For some of us, there is the proverbial empty seat at the table this holiday season. A loved one we wish were still celebrating with us, but who is gone. Many times it is the elephant in the room no one recognizes and it makes their absence harder to bear.
As the mother of a recently deceased adult son (from an overdose of Fentanyl), I can tell you we don’t want friends and family to avoid the topic but rather to include our missing loved ones in our conversations. References to him – even funny stories about him are welcomed. All of us grieve in different ways, but the parents I have conferred with (myself included) want to keep their children’s memories alive and fill the empty seat at the table.
My journey since my son’s death hasn’t been easy, But now I find I can feel sad about his passing while still able to make new happy memories. I practice compartmentalization so that his loss won’t leave me unable to enjoy the rest of my life.
For instance, my daughter got married recently and I was determined to stay present and enjoy the festivities as they unfolded. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t sad Jack wouldn’t be able to take part, but one’s daughter getting married is one the biggest occasions in one’s life and I made sure to enjoy every minute.
After the initial horrific shock and realization you are never going to see your adult child ever again, a parent is left in the deepest sadness one can imagine. The idea you could ever have a nice day, let alone laugh again is unfathomable.
I’ve spoken to and encountered parents who remain in this state. They don’t feel entitled to move on. Most parents of lost children feel guilty about their death. After all, the single most important responsibility a parent has is to protect their children. So their untimely death can feel like the ultimate parental failure. We blame ourselves. Maybe there was something we didn’t try, a treatment we didn’t know about, etc.
Instead, I found I had to move on to survive. We tried everything imaginable to save our son and still failed. Yes, we failed but with a tremendous amount of effort. Getting rid of the guilt and reimagining the loss as a hole in your heart instead of a personal failure is a huge step to take.
The hole never goes away. Instead, you find a way to live with it. As we make new happy memories that hole stays the same size but more and more new memories encircle it- making it smaller in proportion to your overall state of being. Think of it as a bullseye in a target.
Now, I give myself room to remember him, speak to him, hold his picture, and sometimes shed tears. I also give myself permission to live in a state of peace and sometimes even joy. So don’t be afraid to ask a loved one how they are doing concerning a painful loss. They want to know you care and they want to share.
Read more about Fentanyl and how it takes the lives of over 100,000 people per year.
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